bullshit #

i feel sad
for some reason, i feel terribly sad.
it’s heavy inside, like a scream stuck in my throat
a punch held back from the wall,
tears i want to shed, but can’t.

not because i’m afraid
of someone hearing me,
or that i can’t do it,
but because i don’t even know why.

what has made me sad?
is it because i can’t seem to study?
or maybe it’s her—
she hasn’t replied yet.
or is she just too busy?
i don’t know.

i hate myself.
for some reason,
or maybe for no reason at all.
i feel pathetic,
like a waste of money,
a waste of space.

i waste people’s time,
i don’t deserve their attention
or the kindness they give.
i don’t deserve to love
or be loved.

i feel disgusting.
they look beautiful,
i’m the one they tolerate
because i’m annoying,
desperate, always needing a conversation.
i hate myself.

i should die.
but i can’t.
my hands shake
when i try to hold the blade,
my strength leaves me
when i think about jumping.
my throat won’t swallow the pills i beg it to.
i’m a coward.

i look bad,
i talk bad,
i walk bad,
i study bad.
i’m nothing but a show-off,
weak, useless.
i don’t deserve this life.
i should die.

but i don’t want to die.
i want to live.
i want to be better.
i want to meet people,
get closer to my friends.
i want them to be proud
to call me theirs.
i want to be a good student,
a good son,
a good person.

i want to look good,
go to good places,
but i can’t.
why?

because i suck.
because i can’t do anything right.
because life only gives me
a big fuck you,
no matter how hard i beg.
i’m full of worthless pride,
worthless ego.

i should die.
but i can’t.